Michael Leo [DecemeberFirstTwoThousandAndEight] ; I met him when I was in 7th grade he was in 8th. Friends was all we were ever told to be - all I ever thought. I told him things that I didnt tell others. I was open about everything with him. And he was always honest with me. We never lied and always joked. I used to know when he was kidding. And his arms were always the safest place. He knew how to make me laugh and smile all the time. I doubted id see him once I got to highschool. I thought we would still only be random phone calls and every now and then seeing each other. I never knew id fall in love with him. Never knew he would be the only one I wanted. Never knew Id fuck all kinds of shit up. I didnt mean to do half the stupid things I did. I didnt know I wouldnt be able to walk away from him. Im not regretting anything Ive done to be his. None of it was a mistake. None of it will ever be a mistake...but now im scared. He's made me believe in forever - and he has my heart, but I feel like its about to stop. Like I cant breath. Everything hurts. My mind is a mess. Yesterday I did something I never do - I walked away. I dont walk away from conflict. I dont run and hide. I stand there and take it. I plead. I cry. I fall apart. Its what ive always done, but I cant anymore. All the little things are starting to kill me. His silent treatments are starting to break me. I just wanted to run home. But home isnt someplace I ever want to be, and it seemed so completely far away. It was cold. and my skin felt like it was going to fall off as my body went numb. I wasnt going to cry - crying wasnt an option. I felt lost. and alone. I realised I cant handle this, this was why I dont do relationships. This is why I never fell in love. This is why I didnt have a real safe place to call my own. All of this, because I cant take it. I cant take it when you wont talk to me, when you look at me and I know the only look in your eyes is "I cant put up with you anymore I just wanna be done" Its driving me nuts. You hate everything I do - especially the smoking. But its better then cutting right when im stressed. It uses up my time. And im dying anyway - im stealing this from twilight so bad right now, but every moment im dying. He said that if we make it forever he would rather lose me from old age then cancer. Fairytales arent real. Im not going to get my notebook ending. Im not going to make it to and kind of I do's because ill probably be dead because I cant handle anything. Im growing bitter. I hate myself. Im jealous. Im shallow. Im not happy. Im in love, but that love is killing me because all I want is to make him happy. All I want is to be perfect. I just want everything to stop. I need it all to stop because its breaking me. But stoping and putting the world on pause cant happen because its not real. I wanna go back to living a simple life. An easy one. Where Im just a face in the crowd. I want my body to stop hurting. I wish my heart would just give out. I dont want to put up with it. Im repeating myself. But I dont know what to do. I love you I love you I love you. Im tired of pleading. Im tired of crying. Im weak. Im lost. Im a child. I admit it. Im not all grown up. And I have no idea what im doing.
I just needed to vent all that. now i have to get off my floor, and go get ready for work. atleast im spending the day with my sister [we work the same shift then we are going to the mall and grabbing some dinner] Im hoping I can keep my composure today - i feel so unbelievably depressed.
I love you - cant you just save me?
Lina Lovebug
So no Im not ready to let go. Im not ready to be alone. Im not ready for the ending of this story. Im not ready to lose my forever. Im sorry. I wanna stop. I wanna go back. Im sorry. Im pleading. Im begginging. I wanna go back to being the girl he fell in love with. the girl he could nevere walk away from, there girl who never walked away. I wanna be the girl with the good head on her shoulders. The girl who just wanted to have fun, and stayed chilled out constantly. The girl who made actual sense of the stupid things she said. I want to go back to the girl that made him smile. The girl thats laugh could light up a room. I just wanna go back to me. The girl who really did have you.
